Where’d you go Lauren? (The story of my courage hangover)

Hi friends, you may have been wondering where the heck I’ve been since I pulled on my big girl pants and launched this blog. Why haven’t I posted again in weeks?

The truth is I was derailed by listening to my mind screaming “RETREAT”. You know, THAT negative, demanding, attention grabbing, voice inside your head. In my mind’s eye I see this voice as being like a little toy tin soldier who diligently stands guard at the gates of my mind, constantly warning me of all the possible threats he’s certain he sees coming for me:

Lauren, everything you write WILL be picked apart and you’ll end up being demolished by the Daily Mail!
Lauren, what if you mention a boyfriend and you break up 2 days later? People will laugh at you.
Lauren, stop, now! Why are you voluntarily opening yourself up to attack! Just do your lawyer thing. Stop ruining your life.

When I believed this petrified voice these threats felt true and real. So real my palms sweat, my chest hurt and I clammed up just thinking about how posting will surely ruin my life (even though I already had posted, and nothing bad had happened). As I continued to listen and believe this voice I slowly ground to a halt.

In all honesty I wasn’t expecting this new fear blockade to appear and stop me in my tracks. I thought I had escaped the grips of fear when I launched this blog; wasn’t THAT the hard and scary bit? And it had gone well; everyone was super supportive and receptive including my lovely boss. So why did I feel scared to post again?? Where the hell had this come from?

But it now makes more sense to me. As Marianne Williamson says so well “it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us”.

As I started to post my reflections and dreams out into the world, I was unlocking the bolts and leaving the grounds of my sheltered life. Showing you more of who I am and the comings and goings of my life in each post felt as vulnerable as walking down the street naked during rush hour. And for my dear, little protective soldier voluntary vulnerability feels like a totally unnecessary exposure to the risk of possible attack, pain and harm. Why do it? Now I was understanding the cause of my courage hangover.

It took me over 15 years to become the lawyer I am today, doing the things I do. Am I really going to jump off this path now after 4 blog posts just because its new, uncertain and comes with a side shot of scary sauce? Now I see this hangover for what it is I’m going to choose liberation over a self imposed silencing.

I have a strong feeling that keeping going in the face of fear is going to be a common theme to my adventures! I also have a feeling that it’s a common theme in yours?

I’ll write again soon!

Love,